SASA: Sassy Abby Strikes Again

After a calm fall, Abby has snapped once again, and has been getting a little abrupt and snippy the last couple of days. Snark must be applied with a delicate hand, I've learned....I rarely feel attacked by Carolyn, only rarely by Amy, and more and more often by Abby.

This may also have to do with the way I perceive the columnists: Carolyn as a friend, Amy as my mom, and Abby as in her own special world. Actually, that probably has a great deal to do with it, and could be a whole separate post. So for now I'll just stick with Abby's one-liners of the week.

Yesterday:

A grandma wrote in, concerned that her grandson was becoming an "exhibitionist." He works out a lot, and likes to show it off, always finding a reason to remove his shirt at family affairs and walk around with low-slung pants and shorts "almost showing places we do not wish to see." He does this it his own home, and at his grandmother's at holidays, etc. and she wants to know if this is normal and acceptable and, more immediately, how to get him to just tone it down.

Abby was reasonable enough, saying she could ask him to keep his shirt on at her house, but not at his own. But here's the real kicker: while you would prefer that your grandson polish other aspects of his persona, perhaps it's time to consider that this may be the most distinct achievement he's capable of. It isn't the end of the world. It has led to more than one career in show business -- and even politics.

Yikes! Whether your not your pecs are your "most distinct achievement," there is still value in cultivating a sense of modesty and social skill. Professional tuba players and trapeze artists don't whip out their moves in the middle of dinner; geniuses and dramatists who do without a disciplined sense of what's socially acceptable and appropriate are annoying and often not liked. I feel like Abby wrote this kid off--and let him off the hook--a little too quickly, and with unnecessary harshness.

Neeext! A man complains that his brother, a rookie policeman at 38, also inappropriately demonstrates his distinctive skill set--subduing someone resisting arrest. He has apparently used his skillz both on the brother and on the brothers' small children--great! Bullying the defenseless, AND teaching them to fear the police!

Abby said to tell him if it occurs again, they'll file a report with the police chief. And then do it, because " he's sadistic and not very bright" and "It is officers like your brother who give law enforcement a bad name."

I agree with her on this one. There's not much wiggle room and there's no point in mincing words. Frankly I'm surprised someone prone to physically dominating children (their relatives no less) passed the psychological evaluations necessary to get on a police force.

Today:

A woman wrote in complaining that her mother had a strange habit of going out of her way to keep in touch with all her exes--starting when she was a teenager and continuing through to the present day. She was pretty much "over it" (well, kind of) until the mother (now a grandmother) did the same thing to her adult granddaughter--going out of her way to maintain relations with a guy after his three-year relationship with the granddaughter ended. Writer wants to know if they should just not introduce anyone to grandma until a wedding. I'm printing all of Abby's answer because it fits in the short and sweet category, but is perplexingly useless. She gives commentary, but no advice.

DEAR SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR: You're within your rights to do that. However, I find it odd that not only does your mother have such a hard time letting go of these men, but also that all of them seem to have a hard time letting go of her. I could see this happening once -- but that it's happening with all of them seems peculiar.

Peculiar indeed. But other than slightly turning the tables and casting suspicion on the men as well, what good is this answer?

And just one more doozy: an older gentleman jogs regularly in a park or other public area, and is distressed that his nods, smiles, and greetings go generally unreturned by other joggers. His logic led him to believe that women (especially young attractive ones) were right to ignore him, because they naturally thought he might be a rapist/killer, but everyone else was rude not to respond. He found this logic defied by the fact that in fact, the "prettiest" women DO greet him in return, and everyone else ignores him.

Abby's insight?

DEAR FRIENDLY: Maybe the less "pretty" ones are so winded they can't respond. So keep jogging and don't let it get you down.

Wow. Just.....wow.

Hail to the Queen!

My friend Jill just informed me (because I was not paying close enough attention to be aware of it myself...oops) that Amy Dickinson wrote a book that was released....YESTERDAY.

The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter, and the Town that Raised Them

is Amy's memoir of her life and, um, her daughter's (sorry to re-state the title) as they make their way in and around the world--and are always drawn back to their roots in a tiny upstate New York town (where I was surprised to learn this summer that Amy had re-settled....I'd had no idea she was literally phoning it in--no reflection on the quality of her work meant--to the Tribune).

Read about it on Amazon.com here!

I think it sounds intriguing...I enjoy these memoirs of eloquent, intelligent, and strong women who have been through enough shit to laugh at it. (Anne Lamott, Anna Quindlen, I think).

I'll try to check it out (an opportunity to finally get my Ann Arbor District Library card...?) and report back.

Walking the [Panty] Line

For the last two days Abby has devoted her column solely to the issue of the thong. "Thongs up or thongs down?" she asked her readers a few weeks ago, in response to a letter from a young woman who was battling her mother over the "sinfulness" of such a scanty garment.

Hmm...Abby was trying to make a catchy reference to "thumbs up or thumbs down?" of course, but it doesn't quite work when you're talking about attire that is literally described as being worn (or, um, not worn) up or down. So her invitation for reader to weigh in didn't come out as well as it could have....nevertheless, folks obliged, with all kinds of answers. Some are better than others, but a two-day thong-de-force (or, um, whatevs...) of Dear Abby is certainly the kind of occasion that should be celebrated.

(On a side note, I'd like to acknowledge the glorious world we're living in, where a detailed discussion of underwear CAN be featured in the "Lifestyle" section of the average newspaper. And furthermore, I'd like to present this as a classic example of the reader response cross-section column, an issue on which Sam and I disagree-he thinks it's a break for the columnist, I think it's more work).

OK....thongs away! (um, sorry). I'll just include highlights, and Abby's and my commentary where appropriate.

yesterday's column: TO THONG, OR NOT TO THONG: THOUSANDS ENTER DEBATE

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "San Diego Sinner" (Nov. 21), whose mother says wearing thong underwear is sinful. Abby, that mother may not have known a better way to express her views. I believe she was trying to protect her daughters from males who might view the absence of a pantyline as a "signal" that they are sexually available.
The issue here isn't underwear; it's the girls' lack of trust in their mother. They should accept their mom's ruling as an indication of her love and concern for them. Her attitude may be quaint, but she loves them or she wouldn't be concerned. -- MARY IN ALBUQUERQUE

Hmm....parents have done a lot of horrifying things in the name of protecting their children, particularly their purity and marriageability. Genital mutilation? Foot binding? Not a good argument.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the daughter of a clergyman, deeply involved in my church. I dress conservatively and am as far from being promiscuous as it's possible to be and not be in a convent.
Most women wear thongs to avoid a pantyline. I suspect that the mother in that letter fears her daughters are trying to be sexy or are sexually active because they wear thongs. It's a mistake. It is possible for a girl who wears "granny panties" to still sleep around.
-- RELIGIOUS IN ST. LOUIS

Ooh, nice! Thongs don't count, because you can be slutty no matter WHAT kind of underwear you wear! An optimistic twist.

DEAR ABBY: I vote thongs down. They strike me as being as "comfortable" and "sexy" as walking around with dental floss between one's teeth.
-- REALIST IN N.Y.

Ah, the old dental floss argument...I feel like this always comes from someone who has never worn a thong....

DEAR ABBY: Moral issues aside, thongs are not good for your health. Wearing thongs has caused an increase in the number of vaginal yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis infections in women. That teeny strip of fabric is a "bacteria highway" from back to front.
I work in a hospital, and you wouldn't believe how many parents bring elementary school-age daughters to our pediatric ER for urinary tract infections. The parents are repeatedly advised not to buy thong underwear for their girls. Add my vote to thongs down. -- T.W. IN LAS VEGAS

This is actually really interesting, and something I'd never heard before. Definitely something to keep in mind when dealing with younger children who may not have the best personal habits. (How small do they make thongs these days??)

DEAR ABBY: When I was a new bride 30 years ago, my husband gave me money to buy a pair of "thongs." The only thongs I had ever heard of were those flat rubber sandals. Imagine his surprise when I got home and he asked me to "model" them. When I came out wearing fire engine red flip-flops, his expression was priceless. Imagine MY surprise when I realized what he'd meant by "thongs." I had seen those items displayed in the lingerie department and always assumed they were jock straps for transvestites. -- THONGS ARE WRONG IN BUFFALO

Just awesome. Although I wish it had ended with education and enlightenment, not "thongs are wrong."

Today: THONGS PRAISED AND PANNED BY MEN RESPONDING TO POLL

Abby says: DEAR READERS: As promised, today you'll see what some male readers had to say about thongs, as well as the results of my reader poll. Fifty-five percent voted thongs up, 28 percent voted thongs down, and 17 percent gave mixed reviews. And 9 percent of the readers were male ...

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up, girl! I switched to thongs when I turned 14 and have never looked back. A man can't wear tight white jeans with anything else. Love ... DINO IN SAN FRANCISCO

Thanks Dino!

DEAR ABBY: I have never understood why girls would wear something that appears to violate all laws of comfort.
The only way for me to solve this mystery was to try a thong. I purchased two and wore them exclusively for a couple of days. After the initial "getting used to," they were comfortable. In fact, I like them so much I bought a few more this evening. I am also thinking about buying other ladies' underwear.
While this might be perceived as less than masculine, what I saw in the lingerie section looked a lot more comfortable and sexy to me than my old boxers or briefs. Abby, why won't they let us guys wear sexy underwear? -- CONFUSED IN VIRGINIA

Lots of men were totally comfortable embracing their own thong usage. (Moreso than the women, who were mostly either defensive or judgemental).

DEAR ABBY: I'm voting thongs down. I'm 62 and grew up in the '50s and '60s with three good-looking sisters who always wore pretty ladies' nylon briefs -- all different colors, lace trim, prints, solids, flowers, silk panties. Wow! That was the style back then. All the girls wore them -- Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, etc. In the '70s and '80s girls adopted those ugly bikini panties, and now they're wearing thongs? Abby, please urge them to adopt those pretty panties of the '50s and '60s again. -- JACK IN BROCKTON, MASS.

I'm creeped out by this guy's fetish with his good-looking sisters' "pretty nylon briefs." Also, speaking of hygiene, nylon is a TERRIBLE idea. Cotton! Please!

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up or down? Up, they're uncomfortable -- I twist my neck and strain my eyes -- but I have to say I really love them down. -- TODD IN MILWAUKEE

Thanks, Todd, for taking Abby's pun literally, as I was also tempted to do...

And, wrapping things up....:

DEAR ABBY: With regard to your poll, the whole world now knows Abby doesn't wear a thong. Pity. -- CLIFF IN HALLANDALE, FLA

Abby's reply: DEAR CLIFF: OK, so I'm "a little behind" the times.
P.S. I love your imagination.

Morning Makeover could get Ugly....

I've found that lately Amy's second letter is more interesting than her first. Today she answered a woman, recently married, who is concerned about--or rather, feels left out of--her new husband's morning habit of going down to the corner for a coffee and the paper. She has tried making coffee at home and subscribing to his favorite paper, but to no avail! He insists on making this trek each day. She is upset that he "doesn't seem to know that he is married!"

I think this is my favorite line: I went with him once but all he does is read the paper! I'm puzzled and I don't know if I should "change" him or just let him do what he's always done.

What did she think he was doing? Meeting women? De-briefing with the CIA?

Amy suggests that since they've only been married a few months, they'll each have some lifestyle changes to make, and that she should join him occasionally (bringing a book or a Sudoku) and otherwise meet up with him afterward. (They're 67 and 72, each on a second marriage, btw--that seems important to note). Amy also recommended bringing it up and chatting about it during a "relaxed time."

But the crux of her advice, which I agree with wholeheartedly, is here: Don't mess with the man's morning habit, however. For some people, reading the newspaper at a coffee shop is simply the only way to start the day, just as others jog or take leisurely showers.

I guess my question is....what did the writer do in the mornings before she was married to this man, and why can't she continue to do that? He's probably been doing this longer than he's even known his new wife. And taking an hour or so to ingest some caffeine and world news might make him a more pleasant, social, and interesting person to be with each day.

If she does bring it up with him, I hope it's along the lines of "I'm still adjusting to spending mornings on my own [is she, though? Again, what has she been doing all this time?], would you mind if I joined you at the coffeeshop occasionally?" as opposed to "I don't understand why you feel the need to leave me each morning and spend precious moments that we could be spending together with the coffee and the paper. Now that you're married you need to make some lifestyle changes--the advice columnist told me so."

And I think if she wants to join him, asking is important. Even though he really shouldn't tell her no, and even though if he did, she could still technically go, because it's a free country and all that. As someone who really really values space and private time, I get resentful if/when others assume it's OK to join me because more automatically=merrier. She should ask. He should say OK. But then she should respect that the trip is about coffee and the paper, and not try to make conversation.

If he weren't coming home at night, or if he told her she could never ever come with him, I'd say there would be cause for concern. But an innocuous and relaxing morning routine that lets him wake up and face the world at his own pace isn't something that should be axed in the first months of marriage. She may find that without his coffee and paper, her husband is incoherent and unpleasant. I know I am.

P.S. I hope she didn't write to the paper on purpose hoping that her husband will recognize himself in this column and come rushing home....

On Thrifty Gifting....

A disgruntled woman (I think) wrote in to Marcie and Kathy Sugar of Annie's Mailbox, "irritated" that her cousin, whose wedding she recently attended, had commented to her parents (Disgruntled's aunt and uncle) that she (bride) and hubby had not received gifts from Disgruntled (alias assigned by me) or Disgruntled's sister. (Her letter here).

Disgruntled hadn't sent/brought a gift, because she "couldn't afford it," and wants to know, "should I have just stayed home because I couldn't afford a gift?"

Marcie and Kathy suggest that while of course, a gift can never be "mandatory," and that often young adults in transition expect to be included in their parents' "family" gift, bringing a gift to a wedding is "customary and appropriate," and if Disgruntled truly couldn't manage it, perhaps she ought to have sent a card instead.

I think it's unfortunate that all the wedding brouhaha that's been brewing the last couple of decades has put everything and everyone so off-kilter that no one can seem to find the right path through a situation that doesn't need to be that difficult.

First of all, it wasn't great form of the bride to mention to her parents that she hadn't received a gift. Unless it was truly under the guise of wondering if it got lost or disconnected from the card, etc., which I doubt.

But it wasn't great form of the cousin to just show up empty-handed, either. I agree with Kathy and Marcie on the "custom" of bringing gifts to a wedding...I'd compare it to Christmas (if, in your family, gifts are traditional at Christmas). At both occasions, gifts are not and can't be technically required, but if you don't give them, there will likely be hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

I think the real problem here is the cousin's perception that she can't "afford" a gift. And that's where the wedding industry, the above mentioned "brouhaha" comes into play. When things get tight at Christmas, we knit scarves, we make scrapbooks, we frame pictures, we provide services for each other, etc. The problem here is that wedding gifts have been portrayed as needing to be so expensive that this woman actually thought it would be better to bring NOTHING than something as a token of goodwill and good wishes.

With some thought and effort, Digruntled could have brought something perfectly lovely and meaningful without spending much money (a throw embroidered with the names of the couple and date of the wedding? ingredients for a relaxing night in? a photo album in the wedding color and style and a promise--with follow-through--to fill with with pictures snapped on the big day?).

And then we have to keep our fingers crossed that the cousin bride would see it that way--though given her raising the gift issue with her parents, perhaps we shouldn't be too optimistic.

If the cousin truly truly truly could afford NOTHING, perhaps she should have talked it over with her parents or sister, planning to go in together, or at least "signing the card" on her parents gift (if they sympathized with her situation and were cool with it) so there would be a some indication of her thought and participation.

And the wedding was only 4 months ago, so while it would have been ideal to handle this before, it's not too late to send a gift with a card wishing them the best.

"I can't afford it" is reasonable justification for many, many things....but in some cases, where part of the event is sharing a spirit of love and generosity for the new couple it really sa cop-out.

Of course, this doesn't apply if the couple has already run any generosity family and friends were feeling into the ground months before the wedding. If the bride has temporarily lost her mind or is actually crazy, evil, and tallying up material and cash gifts at the wedding door, Disgruntled would have been better off not going at all, and not just because she couldn't afford it.

Fixed Broken Links!

I know, I know, it's been months since I said I would fix my links, but now I finally have (and there was much rejoicing). As you'll recall, the Chicago Tribune had pulled much of its free content, and the Tribune Co. declaring bankruptcy didn't help matters. Tribune media services still provides much of the content (like Ask Amy and Dear Abby) but I've found it easier to find the latest columns in other papers. I didn't approach this very scientifically....basically I Googled the columnists, tried out the different papers that publish their columns, and went with the ones where I found the most consistent updates.

This means I'm now linking to Amy at the Denver Post (though you still write to her at the Trib), Miss Manners at the Buffalo News, and Dear Abby at her own website (independent of any single paper). I've also added Carolyn Hax and Amy Alkon, the advice goddess, to my links.

Enjoy, and as always let me know who else is out there!

With a frenemy like you.....

The concept of the "frenemy" surfaced in Carolyn's Friday column, which caught my attention because I think the first time I heard the term was the night before at happy hour. Then, it was used to describe an unliked/unlikable boyfriend's best friend: someone you'd rather not know, but who's not going anywhere, so you've got to embrace it.

This writer, and Carolyn's other responders, seemed to define it a bit more narrowly. For them, frenemies are (mostly female) friends who make backhanded comments about clothes, dress, weight, etc. of their friends. Basically just big Mean Girls. I like the broader definition, especially since we already have Mean Girls for the narrower one (thanks, Tina Fey). But that's neither here nor there.

The original writer's question wasn't really that interesting....just looking for a sassy comeback to her own frenemy's unsolicited diet-tribes (I wish I could take credit for that pun, but the glory goes to the Lifetime network and its new reality show). Carolyn was fairly neutral (she embraces snark, but rightly reminded us that it loses its pizazz when forced and scripted), recommending that the writer remain calm when the comments are directed at her ("I'm surprised to hear you say that," etc.), and step in to take action (saying something like "How is that helpful?") when directed at another friend .

Wow, this is a lot of build up and background to get to what I really wanted to get to, that being other readers' responses to the frenemy issue as published in Carolyn's live chat from yesterday. There are a bunch of really funny ones, and some more regular generally useful ones, and I'm posting them here in order, gleaning kernels out of a long and varied chat session (full of lots of other good stuff--check it out). Enjoy.

Frenemies: Ha! I could've written the letter from the woman with the frenemy. The person I know loves tot point out other "flaws" to them. I have handled it by being delighted that she noticed.

her: You're getting a lot of gray hair. me: I know! Sparkly!

her: You've put on some weight. me: I know! Voluptuous!

She doesn't point out stuff to me much anymore. In her world of zero-sum happiness, I was taking way too much.

Carolyn Hax: Brilliant. Thank you.

This one is brilliant (oops, Carolyn just said that). But it is. It totally reminds me of a California girl I know, who manages to be sarcastic and peppy simultaneously. I wish I scowled less and said "Sparkly!" more. Goals.

Frenemy: Is the technical term for ridding oneself of a frenemy a "frenema"?

Carolyn Hax: I am both amused and skeeved. Nicely done.

This one is something Sam would say, and then look very pleased with himself, causing me to roll my eyes while also being very impressed.

Columbus, Ohio: Regarding Frenemies:

Her: That not a very attractive outfit.

Me: Uh, that's kind of harsh. I wouldn't expect someone as nice as you to make a comment like that.

I've used this before with success, and (sigh) my closest frenemy is my MOM.

Carolyn Hax: Sigh. Good adaptation, though.

Not thrilling, but useful and neutral. Sorry about the mom.

Hmm, that's it. I thought there were more. Anyway, Carolyn readers, at least the chat participants, are mostly just as funny and smart as she is. Which is great, because then you get all the more insight and sass. And who could ask for anything more?