Strangers are blind to man's affliction

Sorry I've left the previous downer of a post up for almost a week.....it's just that time of year (not the time of year to panic about hypothetical parenthood, but the time of year that the blog gets sidelined).

Here's a new column, but this is more for shock value than anything else...I don't have much to say about it except "wow. Really? REALLY?"

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, my husband -- whose eyesight is fading rapidly -- was forced to depend on a cane indicating that he is blind. Since then, we have encountered many individuals who have no idea what a red-tipped white cane means.

We have heard people say things like, "Isn't that fancy!" or, "I love the way you decorated your cane for the Christmas season."

Abby, please inform your readers that a white cane with a red tip is not a fashion accessory or a personal whim. Its purpose is to allow a vision-impaired person to move around independently. Vision impairment also affects a person's balance. People have brushed past my husband, bumped into him and expressed annoyance because his slowness held them up.

I'm sure a "word to the wise" from you would make a decided difference. -- NANCY IN LACONIA, N.H.

I just find this really hard to believe. I'm sure that this person would not have made the effort to send this public service announcement to Abby if she and her husband weren't encountering this kind of ignorance, and if indeed they are, then trying to raise awareness is certainly an important and reasonable step to take.

I just really, REALLY can't picture someone saying to a visually impaired person who uses a white cane to help him navigate, "I love the way you decorated your cane for Christmas." What?? This is just really, really odd, especially since the way the visually impaired use the cane is not at all the same as someone who was using it for physical support (as a "leg to stand on") would be.

It almost makes me think that, rather than strangers on the street, these are acquaintances whose shallow sense of familiarity with the person in question prevents them from realizing/noticing his gradual decline: whereas someone seeing him for the first time would likely recognize him as visually impaired, someone who has known him for awhile and thinks they understand his situation might be disposed to ignore or misunderstand how it has worsened in recent months. Or, alternatively, make awkward jokes about it, which might be another explanation.

Unfortunately, you'll probably always have people who aren't paying attention, or who are in a rush and will jostle and bump one another carelessly. I imagine this is a problem for anyone who is unsteady on their feet--although again, my understanding was that the whole idea of the cane was both to help the visually impaired person find his way, and also to act as a sign to others that he is legally blind and should be given the space to move along comfortably.

I know it doesn't do any good for me to say "what's wrong with these people??" and the woman who wrote this letter is taking the right course of action by trying to educate them, if indeed they've never heard of or seen a white cane being used. It all just seems very odd to me.

Paranoid, protective, or just private?

Does this mom seem unreasonably sensitive, either prudish about the human body herself, or paranoid about the perverts out there who are after her baby? Or is she reasonable to expect privacy in public and restraint from strangers?

Dear Miss Manners: I was changing my baby’s diaper in a public restroom the other day. The changing table had no privacy whatsoever, and anyone walking in or out of the restroom had full view of what was going on.

While most people seemed to avert their eyes, there was one woman who, while waiting for her children to wash their hands, kept looking over at my daughter while her diaper was off, and it made me very uncomfortable and upset. I don’t feel that staring at anyone, no matter how old, in that position is right.

What would be an appropriate way to say, “Would you please stop staring at my half-naked daughter, it’s quite rude”?

While I guess it's sort of odd that this woman was stealing glances at the baby--maybe fondly remembering her own children's younger days? Or waiting for the changing area to be cleared so she could make use of it for a not-yet-potty-trained child?--the mom seems too eager to read creepy invasiveness, even pedophilic voyeurism, into her actions, which to me seem relatively innocent. Most people, I think, especially moms who have pushed little humans out of their nether regions and then changed thousands of their diapers, don't see much difference between an infant with a diaper on and one with a diaper off.

The mom may have wanted some space, and if the woman were actually hovering over her, she could use Miss Manners's response ( Gentle Reader: “Would you like to help?”). Otherwise, I don't know, this seems overly sensitive to me. People look at babies all the time. Babies run around naked all the time. People look at the babies while they're running around naked. This mom seems unusually concerned about baby nudity and privacy, and the other woman (also a mom, it seems worth noting) has no way of knowing that.

Carolyn, and most other advice columnists, recommend taking gut feelings of fear or general "not-right-ness" very seriously....perhaps they would think I'm being careless in assuming that if a woman is out with small children in a public restroom, that she must 1) be their mom and 2) be sane, healthy, and have good intentions for her own children and all others.

Of course it's possible this is not the case, though, I admit, I think it's unlikely. (A related issue: the "find a mom" rule for kids who get lost. Is a woman with children always safer than a man by himself? Of course not. Some moms are crazy, some bad people probably pose as moms in public. But are the odds higher that a mom will be just a mom, and that she'll be sympathetic to and protective of a lost child? Probably).

Do you think this mom should have done something more active in response to her "uncomfortable and upset" feeling? Or if she doesn't want to see anyone in public while changing her daughter, should she seek out single-person/family restrooms where she can have privacy and lock the door?

SASA: Sassy Abby Strikes Again

After a calm fall, Abby has snapped once again, and has been getting a little abrupt and snippy the last couple of days. Snark must be applied with a delicate hand, I've learned....I rarely feel attacked by Carolyn, only rarely by Amy, and more and more often by Abby.

This may also have to do with the way I perceive the columnists: Carolyn as a friend, Amy as my mom, and Abby as in her own special world. Actually, that probably has a great deal to do with it, and could be a whole separate post. So for now I'll just stick with Abby's one-liners of the week.

Yesterday:

A grandma wrote in, concerned that her grandson was becoming an "exhibitionist." He works out a lot, and likes to show it off, always finding a reason to remove his shirt at family affairs and walk around with low-slung pants and shorts "almost showing places we do not wish to see." He does this it his own home, and at his grandmother's at holidays, etc. and she wants to know if this is normal and acceptable and, more immediately, how to get him to just tone it down.

Abby was reasonable enough, saying she could ask him to keep his shirt on at her house, but not at his own. But here's the real kicker: while you would prefer that your grandson polish other aspects of his persona, perhaps it's time to consider that this may be the most distinct achievement he's capable of. It isn't the end of the world. It has led to more than one career in show business -- and even politics.

Yikes! Whether your not your pecs are your "most distinct achievement," there is still value in cultivating a sense of modesty and social skill. Professional tuba players and trapeze artists don't whip out their moves in the middle of dinner; geniuses and dramatists who do without a disciplined sense of what's socially acceptable and appropriate are annoying and often not liked. I feel like Abby wrote this kid off--and let him off the hook--a little too quickly, and with unnecessary harshness.

Neeext! A man complains that his brother, a rookie policeman at 38, also inappropriately demonstrates his distinctive skill set--subduing someone resisting arrest. He has apparently used his skillz both on the brother and on the brothers' small children--great! Bullying the defenseless, AND teaching them to fear the police!

Abby said to tell him if it occurs again, they'll file a report with the police chief. And then do it, because " he's sadistic and not very bright" and "It is officers like your brother who give law enforcement a bad name."

I agree with her on this one. There's not much wiggle room and there's no point in mincing words. Frankly I'm surprised someone prone to physically dominating children (their relatives no less) passed the psychological evaluations necessary to get on a police force.

Today:

A woman wrote in complaining that her mother had a strange habit of going out of her way to keep in touch with all her exes--starting when she was a teenager and continuing through to the present day. She was pretty much "over it" (well, kind of) until the mother (now a grandmother) did the same thing to her adult granddaughter--going out of her way to maintain relations with a guy after his three-year relationship with the granddaughter ended. Writer wants to know if they should just not introduce anyone to grandma until a wedding. I'm printing all of Abby's answer because it fits in the short and sweet category, but is perplexingly useless. She gives commentary, but no advice.

DEAR SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR: You're within your rights to do that. However, I find it odd that not only does your mother have such a hard time letting go of these men, but also that all of them seem to have a hard time letting go of her. I could see this happening once -- but that it's happening with all of them seems peculiar.

Peculiar indeed. But other than slightly turning the tables and casting suspicion on the men as well, what good is this answer?

And just one more doozy: an older gentleman jogs regularly in a park or other public area, and is distressed that his nods, smiles, and greetings go generally unreturned by other joggers. His logic led him to believe that women (especially young attractive ones) were right to ignore him, because they naturally thought he might be a rapist/killer, but everyone else was rude not to respond. He found this logic defied by the fact that in fact, the "prettiest" women DO greet him in return, and everyone else ignores him.

Abby's insight?

DEAR FRIENDLY: Maybe the less "pretty" ones are so winded they can't respond. So keep jogging and don't let it get you down.

Wow. Just.....wow.