Out of the Mouths of Babes

Wandering around chicagotribune.com the other day, I noticed a new advice link (ok, maybe not new....new since I'd spent any time at the trib). It appeared to read "Ask Me!!" which seemed excessively exclamatory, but I clicked anyway. Turned out it was actually "Ask Mel." Mel is a 16-year-old blogger for Chicago Now, who handles questions that "only a teen can answer." Curious, I took a peek at a few of her columns. I began skeptical, and then became horrified. For example, in response to a writer who can't stay awake at school, Mel offered the following sugguestions:

Dear Tired Eyes,

I feel your pain.

Every morning, my alarm goes off at 6:30, and I hit the snooze button 6, 7, 8 times. I end up getting up around 7:15, frantic because I don't have enough time to do my hair and makeup, etc. So I fall asleep in class a lot. (Trick: When teachers yell at me, I just tell them I was "resting my eyes". Not sleeping.)

Alright. Here are some tips.

-Put your cell phone across the room so you have to get out of bed to turn the alarm off. (I do this, but somehow I always find myself back in my warm, cozy bed. Weird.)

-Take a freezing cold shower. That will definitely wake you up.

-Drink coffee! I have a cup o' joe every single morning, loaded with sugar, of course. Yeah, it makes me feel more mature.

-Wear uncomfortable clothes to school. Whenever I wear sweats and a t-shirt, I doze off. But, when I wear jeans and a nice top, I somehow stay awake. Go figure.

-Chew energy gum! Do they still make that stuff? When I was a freshman, I think I OD'd on it.

-Eat sugary snacks. Cookies and candy.

If all else fails, just start bringing a video camera to class. That way, you can nap while your teacher rambles about the Cold War and pronouns. Good idea, right?

-Mel

Coffee? Sugary snacks? Uncomfortable clothes? And then more sugar?? But these kids need rest, exercise, nutritious meals, and less pressure to perform well on standardized tests! Not junk food, tomfoolery, and sass!

But then I realized....they already know that. Of course they do. If they wanted boring, old person advice (which apparently is what I would give), they'd write to Dear Abby, or, um, ask their moms. They WANT the opinion of a peer. A smart, thoughtful teenager, to be sure, as her blog reveals, but a teenager nonetheless.

One of my favorite posts of hers is a list of ways to deal with boredom while grounded. She just seems like a regular kid, who gets into regular trouble. She's not making a big fuss about establishing trust and respect between parents and kids, nor about defying them and sneaking out. Just how to get through the boring weekend at home that you know you probably deserved:

Dear Trapped Inside,

You know, I happen to be an expert on this stuff. Here's a list of non-school related things that you can do this weekend to fill your time:

-Learn to juggle

-Count how many stairs there are in your house

-Pretend to be a dog and spend your day crawling on your hands and knees

-Annoy your siblings/parents

-Put a fly on a leash. Click here for detailed instructions.

-Play DDR nonstop

-Write a song and then sing it

-Fingerpaint

-Organize your closet

-Watch some good movies (Breakfast Club, anyone?)

-Bake a cake

-Eat the cake

-Plot to escape your house when your parents are sleeping [well, Ok, i missed that one]

-Style your hair differently

-Speak Spanish

-Learn the entire "Thriller" dance

-Dress up your dog

-Mel

And she finally won me over with her latest post, responding to a writer who's sick of doing chores at home:

Dear Annoyed,

Um, do what they want you to do? How hard is it to keep your room tidy and help out in the kitchen once in a while? No offense, but you need to be less lazy. The answer is simple, hence this short response. Sorry, no shortcuts here.

-Mel

Mel gets my vote. She's a good writer and seems like a smart kid. She's 16 all right--she's into Gossip Girl, Jamba Juice, boys, and occasionally picking a fight with the parents if it's about something "really important" like TV. But she seems like someone other kids her age would like and trust, and turn to for a specific kind of answer. We've got lots of moms in the world--including most of the major syndicated advice columnists. Mel is a welcome breath of (smoothie-scented) fresh air, for her own demographic at least.

ADVICE COLUMNIST SMACKDOWN!

It seems Amy's been getting a great deal of publicity for her new book, and perhaps (according to some) riding the coattails of her predecessor, Ann Landers, a little too closely. Ann Landers' daughter, Margo, has plenty to say about it, and she did so in today's column. HOLY COW! The Etta James/Beyonce @** whooping scandal is nothing compared to this. It's too late at night to dissect and analyze, so for now I'll just link and post. But whoa--right down to the icy "dear" in the last line.

Dear Amy: I have a problem. My distress has actually been going on since 2002, the year my mother died. As many people know, my mother was Ann Landers, and she was Ann Landers for 47 years. That's a long time to build a brand … and build a brand she did.

Because the name "Ann Landers" was iconic in the second half of the 20th century, people often tell me whenever they hear or see the name now — seven years after her death. Alas, mostly they are hearing it from you. And therein lies my problem.

Most recently you did some television promotion on "Good Morning, America," "The View" and God knows where else. You allowed people, if not encouraged them, to consider you "the new Ann Landers." Well, you are not the "new" Ann Landers because there is no "new" Ann Landers. It is a copyrighted name and trademark, and what that means is that no one else can use it — not to write under, and not to promote themselves.

Before they had fired most everyone at the Tribune (your home paper), a few top editors were informed that introducing you as "the new Ann Landers" was skating close to copyright infringement.They backed off — for a while. But then (because the newspaper business is in trouble and you are flogging a book?) there began yet another round of publicity touting you as the new, well … you know.

In short, when the Tribune hired and syndicated you, that made you their new advice columnist, period. You are no more "the new Ann Landers" than Carolyn Hax, Dan Savage or any of the dozens of advice columnists who were bought by newspapers to fill the space previously occupied by my mother.

By law, the only person who would have been able to become "the new Ann Landers" was me. And that was nothing I chose to do. You see, dear, even I knew that there could only be one Ann Landers. — Margo Howard

Ok, I do have to add just one thing. I looked up the Trib's bio of Amy, to see what they really said about her. Most of the bio lists Amy's many experiences and accomplishments as a journalist, writer, and radio contributor. They mentioned Ann Landers once, as a segue--to say that Amy's column replaced hers is simply fact, not promotion, and I think they were nothing less than respectful and accurate in how they stated it. The potentially offensive paragraph is:

Amy Dickinson joined Chicago Tribune in July 2003 as the newspaper's signature general advice columnist, following in the tradition of the legendary Ann Landers.

I smell a copyright suit! Oh wait, that's just some burning plastic....

**Days later: burning plastic? What? What did I mean by that? Oh well.**

Fixed Broken Links!

I know, I know, it's been months since I said I would fix my links, but now I finally have (and there was much rejoicing). As you'll recall, the Chicago Tribune had pulled much of its free content, and the Tribune Co. declaring bankruptcy didn't help matters. Tribune media services still provides much of the content (like Ask Amy and Dear Abby) but I've found it easier to find the latest columns in other papers. I didn't approach this very scientifically....basically I Googled the columnists, tried out the different papers that publish their columns, and went with the ones where I found the most consistent updates.

This means I'm now linking to Amy at the Denver Post (though you still write to her at the Trib), Miss Manners at the Buffalo News, and Dear Abby at her own website (independent of any single paper). I've also added Carolyn Hax and Amy Alkon, the advice goddess, to my links.

Enjoy, and as always let me know who else is out there!

Sue me, sue me, what can you do me...

1) The Tribune co. files for bankruptcy (apparently the Cubs and Wrigley not included)...."Tribune Media Services" web page that was still offering a smattering of old Cheryl Lavin columns now returns at 404 error.

2) How not to do law school:

Dear Miss Manners — I have just started law school, where professionalism is part of the education. At this point, I would be grateful just for respect and common courtesy.

The trouble arises in one class where there are no assigned seats. One of my classmates saves a seat for her friend. The first time, I acquiesced. The second time, I put my hands on the chair before sitting down and said I was going to sit there, whereupon she snatched it away, saying I wasn’t. The third time, when I announced my intention to sit next to her she piled all of her possessions onto it. I am at a loss as to how to respond to such immature behavior.

As an aside, the first two times her friend could have just as easily sat on her other side. The friend suggested that we consult our professor, but he declined to become involved other than as a last resort.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??

Miss Manners questioned what on earth "you two" are doing in law school--I'm thinking she and I are still awaiting the answer together with bated (or not) breath. I want to comment on this situation, but can't find anything to say but, "seriously???"

I do like how the writer put her (or his!) hand on the chair and stated explicitly, "I am going to sit here." Definitely the best possible solution.

I'm sure this is about getting the best spot in class in order to be noticed by the professor in a cuthroat (really...) environment, or something. But now they've been noticed by the professor anyway--and hardly in a positive light. Jeez.

The Times, They Are A'Changin'

If you are one of the three people in the universe who use the links on this page to get to your advice columns, you may have noticed that many of them have, of late, become defunct.

This is because the Chicago Tribune has basically dropped its advice columns in the free online edition. You can still get Amy and Abby (though they're usually updated earlier elsewhere), but Miss Manners and Cheryl Lavin are GONE. Or rather, you have to pay to read them.

I've been looking for stable links to regularly updated publications of my columns, and am still making my selection. Abby is still available at the UExpress address linked on this blog (that's also where you have to go to write to her). I've been getting Ask Amy through the Denver Post, for the very carefully assessed reason that it's the second Google hit on Ask Amy (after, you guessed it, the Trib).

I'm thinking of switching over entirely to washingtonpost.com, which has Amy and Miss Manners, as well as Carolyn Hax, a new favorite (well, new to me). I'll update the broken links soon, fear not!

My real concern is Tales from the Front, my favorite bizarre love column. So far, folks even more devoted than I am have been sneaking it out through Tribune Media Services and posting it to various open chicagotribune.com forums so readers can still get it for free. My hat is off to you! I did locate Cheryl on another site that now, of course, I can't remember.

Anyway, let's be patient and persistent and power through. And boycott chicagotribune.com. Um....only kidding. Sort of.

Update on Linkage

I have received the following helpful response re: my concern about the unlinked advice colums:

Dear Ms. Welzenbach,

Thank you for contacting the Chicago Tribune. We appreciate your
interest and readership.

Thank you for bringing to our attention. We apologize for any
inconvenience we may have caused you. We will forward your message on to
the Manager of Projects and Quality of Chicago Tribune Interactive. We
appreciate your feedback.

Please keep in mind that you have the option of enrolling in the Chicago
Tribune Electronic Edition, an online replica of our newspaper, this
alternative is available seven (7) days a week, easy to access,
environmentally friendly, and searchable for only $2.50 per week. To
sign up for the Electronic Edition please visit the link below:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/e-Edition

Another weekday option is to visit www.chicagotribune.com for breaking
news, video, weather and business updates.

Please contact us at consumerservices@tribune.com if you have any
additional comments or questions.

Thank you and have a great day!

Sincerely,

Interactive Services Team/w061
Chicago Tribune
1-800-Tribune
consumerservices@tribune.com

The Bare Necessities....

I just sent the following to the Chicago Tribune online customer service folks. The columns have been de-linked from the homepage AGAIN. This happens every once in awhile and is usually fixed within a couple of days, but that hasn't been the case this time.


Dear Tribune (Again),

The economy is falling down around our ears. Paul Newman is dead. The world is a scary and confusing place. The least you can do is keep the advice columns linked from your homepage (Please! Please! Please!) and keep Dear Abby up to date (Please! Please! Please!).

You should know that it's the advice columns that bring me to the trib at all --only after reading them do I read the rest of the news. That being said, if I can't get Abby (TODAY'S Abby, please) from you, I"ll go elsewhere.

It's not like you've filled the space with anything else...there's a big empty hole at the bottom of the page where the advice column links used to be.

Thanks,

Longtime Reader

You ARE the Weakest Link....

Hey Trib,

There's something wrong with your Dear Abby linkage....at first glace, it appears that she hasn't posted anything new since, like, Monday. But we both know that's not true. I found her Wednesday column, even though it wasn't listed in the Abby section! But others, including the shy teenager whose social skills Abby gently guided that day, might not. So for the sake of humanity, please! Link it up. Thank you.

B

Nooooooooo! Update

Several hours later: the advice columns are once again present on the Trib home page. Don't know if this is the direct result of the email I sent to the Public Editor at about 7 a.m. (6 central), or if there was simply a techiglitch that has since been resolved. I prefer to think the former....

Nooooooo!

Dear Chicago Tribune,

Every year, at least once a year, you seem to make some kind of effort to streamline your home page by removing the conveniently grouped links to the advice columnists. (Or perhaps simply something goes wrong and this little chunk of code gets blocked out?). They always reappear within in the week. So. Could you bring them back, like, right now?

Thanks,

B

Get the Picture Update

OK....I just revisited chicagotribune.com and was gratified to see that in their latest top story, an actual photograph was used....

But I was distressed to learn that the Tribune now links to youtube, just for fun. A new feature called "The Lighter Side," or, "comedy we didn't write ourselves."

It's like...the trib is now its own facebook page...or something?

Get the Picture? Hm....maybe not.

Every morning, before I rise from my cozy bed, I drag my laptop close for a snuggle and click my way to http://www.chicagotribune.com. Here, I spend most of my time reading the advice (naturally), and then devote a few minutes to skimming headlines and browsing reader comments (making the odd contribution myself). It is vital that I start my day strong in the knowledge that I am up to date on important developments in the Drew Peterson investigation, and that I have seen all the latest baby animal photos from zoos around the world.

The Trib has done well with its online presence over the years, taking advantage of tools like commenting, videos, reader contributions of photos and stories. You could tell they'd made the full transition from a web-i-fied print publication to a truly interactive digital news resource when they changed their logo from the traditional

to their current, sans-serif, facebook-blue banner:

But there is one aspect of the allonewordlightbluelowercasechicagotribune.com that I must dispute, and that is the gradual decrease of photography on the home page. It is increasingly common for the paper's daily front page graphic to be a screen shot, map, or diagram, rather than an arresting action shot of something major going on.

Today's front page features an interactive Google map of the locations of stoplight police cameras throughout the Chicagoland area. OK, OK, three cheers for javascript, etc. It's nifty that my newspaper will now help me more carefully evade the police in my own hometown. But it's a lame image. What about a view from one of these cameras down at traffic? Or police reviewing the images? Or a violator in court, disputing the photographic evidence captured at one of these cameras? Or even a picture of a professional showing us what the camera looks like? Come on, Trib! Put your shoulder into it!

(http://www.chicagotribune.com/ 8/18/2008)

I no longer live in Illinois and my parents cancelled their subscription, so I don't see the newspaper in print--ever. This is probably the case for many readers scattered around the world. Hey, Trib, we have no idea if the web home page corresponds to your physical front page, but I have to say....I hope not.