Everything You Ever Wanted to Know....

Today I received a very special delivery from my friend A.E., R.N. We were in band together in high school, so when she said she found something that reminded her of me and she wanted to send it, I assumed it would be some piece of ancient band paraphernalia (those black socks we decorated with puff paint? The little action figure we found in the parking lot and adopted as our mascot?)--in any case, something of real but fleeting entertainment value.

So imagine my surprise when instead, I opened up the gift that keeps on giving. Forever. That's right, it's:

The Ann Landers Encyclopedia, A to Z: Improve Your Life Emotionally, Medically, Sexually, Socially, Spiritually. (Doubleday, 1988).

Wow. That is a lot of -llys. Thank you, A.E., R.N.!

To give you a better sense of the scope of this master work of the master columnist, here's a snippet from the inside flap of the front cover. And I quote:

"How do you feel about abortion? Adultery? Sex after sixty? Masturbation? Oral sex? Interfaith marriage? Pornography?"

hooked yet? No? Well there's more.

"What do you know about snoring? Smoking? Alcoholism? Drug abuse? Suicide? Dreams? Shoplifting? V.D.? Obesity? Hypsnosis? Acne? Arthiritis? High blood pressure? Cancer? Breast enlargement surgery? Teenage sex?"

Still not convinced? Just hold on.

"Are you ashamed to ask--but would like more information on orgasm? Face lifts? Rape? Contraceptives? Bashful kidneys? Homosexuality? Constipation? Frigidity? Shyness?"

With bashful kidneys and frigidity on the menu, who could pass? But just in case....

"Are you struggling with anger? Loneliness? Boredom? Depression? Nervous habits? Allergies? Headaches? Impotence? Widowhood? Insomnia? Menopause?"

Well.

"These are just a few of the topics you will find here."

Also, it comes with the Ann Landers guarantee:

"I am utterly shameless when it comes to tapping the best brains in the country for my answers. No one is too important or too busy for me to bother."

In fact, the encyclopedia contains more the 400 essays on ALL of the topics above, and more. They're written by experts in the field, with commentary from A.L. She also covers some of the topics herself. And of course, "Generously sprinkled throughout are some of Ann's most memorable columns."

According to the dust jacket (O, wise dust jacket!), Ann Landers once said, "If I can shed a little light in some darkened corner, plant hope where there is dispair, replace anxiety with courage, ignorance with useful information, and open a door to self-understanding, the time and effort that went into this enormous undertaking will have been well spent."

Oh Ann, we aren't fooled. We can tell you took equal inspiration from St. Francis ("where there is hatred, let me sow love") and Lena Lamont of Singin' in the Rain ("If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives....all our hard work ain't been in vain for nothin'"). But we are still impressed.

P.S. Great hair.

It's not what you say....

Abby's column this morning and the Classic Ann Landers posting for the week treated two very similar situations, and gave advice that was, for all practical purposes, identical. And yet, though I agreed with them in both cases, I found Abby's response really off-putting. Here's the letter, and her response:

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been with my girlfriend for the last four years. I want to take a break and see what else is out there, but I don't know how to tell her without freaking her out and making her cry. Abby, how do I tell a girl who loves me that I want to take a break and see other people? -- TEEN IN MINNESOTA

DEAR TEEN: Do it in person and in plain English before you waste one more minute of her time. When you do, be sure to tell her that the reason has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. Be prepared for the fact there may be tears. However, not every relationship is permanent, and breaking up is part of dating.

So...I don't know. Abby is right, of course--honesty, straightforwardness, and promptness are key here. But not even a nod to the fact that they've been together since they were 15? And that splitting up could be--in fact almost certainly is--the best thing for both of them? She's right to emphasize the need to just suck it up--fear of hurting the other person is a terrible reason to stay together, and I can say from personal experience that it undercuts the very honesty, straightforwardness, and promptness that would make the break as respectful, if not painless, as as possible. And I suppose that in that painful moment, it's MORE important to emphasize the honesty and respect than to try to convince the angry and hurt party that really "this is all for your own good, too."

But I get the feeling that Abby thinks this guy is just a jerk who's been keeping the girl around until something better comes along, and that's unlikely. (If it were the case, why would he be writing at all?) Dating through high school, and finding that college (or work, or travel) opens up a vast new world is an old, old story. It doesn't have "nothing to do with her and everything to do with him." It's growing up and growing apart.

Ann Landers gave virtually the same advice, but with less of a slap to the face:

Dear Ann Landers: My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than a year, and we've been having sex for the past 10 months. We are both 18. She seems certain I will marry her, although I never actually have proposed. I guess after we had sex, she assumed we would marry.

The problem is I don't want to continue this relationship any longer. Our personalities don't seem to mesh the way they used to, and she is beginning to get on my nerves. But I am afraid to break it off because it would be awfully hard on her. She has no idea that my feelings have cooled.

How can I end this relationship before it's too late? I do love my girlfriend but don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. What's the best way to do this without hurting her? — Hopelessly Entangled in New York

Dear New York: There are times in life when we have to be cruel to be kind. This is one of those times. Tell your girlfriend as soon as possible that you have come to the conclusion that you are both too young to be making any lifelong plans and that you want her to date other guys because you'd like to date other girls. Say, "We might end up together, but we both need to explore other options." AND NO MORE SEX. Period.

I like that Ann acknowledges that if a person who has made no lifetime commitments wants to end a relationship because they think there are better options out there, he or she has every right to do so (without being judged--please!). And that these people are really young! "Cruel to be kind" is cliche, but it fits the bill here. Carolyn Hax always puts it in terms that I like--everyone deserves the opportunity to find someone who loves and appreciates and wants to be with them more than anything--by staying in a relationship with someone you feel mediocre (or less) about, you're taking that opportunity away from them.

The only thing I take issue with is the "We might wind up together...." I don't think there's ever really any point in delivering this in the middle of a breakup, even if you really really do mean it, and in this case I don't think the guy wanted to give that impression at all. "Our personalities don't mesh," "she is beginning to get on my nerves," and "don't want to spend the rest of my life with her." Doesn't sound to me like he has any interest in maybe winding up together, and to suggest that he does, and then hope she'll forget or change her mind, does NOT soften the blow.

At 18, I ended a fairly serious relationship because I knew it just wasn't a good match for the long term and didn't want things to get any more serious than they already were. However, I did it clumsily, awkwardly, and out-of-the-bluishly, despite the fact that I'd been pondering and pondering and pondering it for a very long time. I think both Abby and Ann would tell me I should have been more careful with and respectful of a person who had always treated me well, and whom I, well, cared about and respected, and I should have been. I have a friend who at 21 was on the receiving end of a very painful, convoluted break up--they'd been together almost 5 years and it totally overturned her "life plan." But now, 3 years later, she wouldn't go back to where she was then.

Honesty and promptess are key. And there's often no way to avoid hurt feelings. But I think that for 18, 19, 20, etc.-year-olds to wriggle out of their high school relationships is a liberation, not an irresponsible failure to commit. I didn't do it well, and I wish I had done it better. But in terms of shaping the direction of my college experience--the people I met and the things I chose to do--it was probably one of the most important steps I took.

ADVICE COLUMNIST SMACKDOWN!

It seems Amy's been getting a great deal of publicity for her new book, and perhaps (according to some) riding the coattails of her predecessor, Ann Landers, a little too closely. Ann Landers' daughter, Margo, has plenty to say about it, and she did so in today's column. HOLY COW! The Etta James/Beyonce @** whooping scandal is nothing compared to this. It's too late at night to dissect and analyze, so for now I'll just link and post. But whoa--right down to the icy "dear" in the last line.

Dear Amy: I have a problem. My distress has actually been going on since 2002, the year my mother died. As many people know, my mother was Ann Landers, and she was Ann Landers for 47 years. That's a long time to build a brand … and build a brand she did.

Because the name "Ann Landers" was iconic in the second half of the 20th century, people often tell me whenever they hear or see the name now — seven years after her death. Alas, mostly they are hearing it from you. And therein lies my problem.

Most recently you did some television promotion on "Good Morning, America," "The View" and God knows where else. You allowed people, if not encouraged them, to consider you "the new Ann Landers." Well, you are not the "new" Ann Landers because there is no "new" Ann Landers. It is a copyrighted name and trademark, and what that means is that no one else can use it — not to write under, and not to promote themselves.

Before they had fired most everyone at the Tribune (your home paper), a few top editors were informed that introducing you as "the new Ann Landers" was skating close to copyright infringement.They backed off — for a while. But then (because the newspaper business is in trouble and you are flogging a book?) there began yet another round of publicity touting you as the new, well … you know.

In short, when the Tribune hired and syndicated you, that made you their new advice columnist, period. You are no more "the new Ann Landers" than Carolyn Hax, Dan Savage or any of the dozens of advice columnists who were bought by newspapers to fill the space previously occupied by my mother.

By law, the only person who would have been able to become "the new Ann Landers" was me. And that was nothing I chose to do. You see, dear, even I knew that there could only be one Ann Landers. — Margo Howard

Ok, I do have to add just one thing. I looked up the Trib's bio of Amy, to see what they really said about her. Most of the bio lists Amy's many experiences and accomplishments as a journalist, writer, and radio contributor. They mentioned Ann Landers once, as a segue--to say that Amy's column replaced hers is simply fact, not promotion, and I think they were nothing less than respectful and accurate in how they stated it. The potentially offensive paragraph is:

Amy Dickinson joined Chicago Tribune in July 2003 as the newspaper's signature general advice columnist, following in the tradition of the legendary Ann Landers.

I smell a copyright suit! Oh wait, that's just some burning plastic....

**Days later: burning plastic? What? What did I mean by that? Oh well.**

Advice For Amy

Here's an entertaining article I found this morning. It was written for USA Today five long years ago (ok, so it's not exactly news) when Amy Dickinson ("Ask Amy") joined the Trib to fill the hole left by Ann Landers' death. The author, Emily Toth, gives a bit of insight into Amy's colorful background (reporter? lounge singer? single mother?) and also offers a devoted and affectionate tribute to AL, explaining just why she was so darn good.

In the last 5 years, Amy has definitely held her own--she's still not so "pithy," as the article points out, but she doesn't beat around the bush. She's fresh and entertaining but consistent, which I think is vital--you don't want every answer to sound the same, but you do want to understand and be able to anticipate your advisor's values and attitudes toward various issues--you need to know it's the same person, the one you trust, writing back each morning. I love her, though I don't always agree with her. (She's never printed any of my argumentative responses, alas).

Toth pokes fun at Amy's apparent WASP-ishness--the best advice-givers have always been Jewish, she claims, and it's hard to argue with her. But you can't deny that it takes a certain amount of chutzpah to say, "Sure, I'll pull up a chair to Ann Landers' 56-year-old desk and give it a whirl."

I speak figuratively of course--Ann Landers' real desk is owned and used by Dan Savage--true story.

And, what? The Chronicle of Higher Education has a column called "Miss Mentor"?? I've got to check this out.

Ah, Love

There's no better way to introduce you to Cheryl Lavin (image from www.chicagotribune.com), author of "Tales from the Front," than by giving you a peek at Thursday's column. Her long-running feature on the challenges of finding and keeping love caters both to couples, who typically complain about each other's altered physical appearance after years of marriage, and singles, inevitably bitter, who list their "nice" qualities and ask why they can't find a date.

In fact, my one (to date) successful (as in, printed) advice column submission was related to this very issue. I gave a particularly obnoxious "nice guy" what-for and she printed it(!), thoughtfully providing me with a secure alias ("Beth") to protect me from...the niceness he would surely inflict on me, if he knew where to find me.

Since then, I've always felt a little bond with Cheryl (may I call her Cheryl?)--a bond that was solidified this morning when I read her headline:

"Unending discussions about nice guys and overweight wives"

...and snorted. As long as she's aware of it, I'll go with it! I also admire her boldness (apathy?) in throwing together these two topics that have nothing to do with one another except that they create the most sheer volume in her virtual mailbag.

I have to believe that this is really annoying for columnists....for the most part, they get asked the same questions, over and over and over and over again. Usually I (or anyone!) can guess how the columnist is going to respond without even reading the answer...unfortunately, that response is never "Look at yesterday's column, dumbass."

Instead, columnists exhibit a number of different approaches to this issue, from mocking the readers with a wry-but-weary headline, as Cheryl did, to abbreviating their answers with a handy, versatile acronym. This technique was made famous by Ann Landers (MYOB/mind your own business) and perfected by Dan Savage (DTMFA/dump the motherfucker already).

One final note on Cheryl: she is notorious for printing whole columns made up of readers' anecdotes, with little to no actual advice or even, um, writing, of her own. She did it with mine over a year ago, and she did it this morning. Does this even count as a column anymore?

And could this blog be any drier? I haven't written for an audience in awhile...it might take some time to refine my, um, voice. Please bear with me!