Walking the [Panty] Line

For the last two days Abby has devoted her column solely to the issue of the thong. "Thongs up or thongs down?" she asked her readers a few weeks ago, in response to a letter from a young woman who was battling her mother over the "sinfulness" of such a scanty garment.

Hmm...Abby was trying to make a catchy reference to "thumbs up or thumbs down?" of course, but it doesn't quite work when you're talking about attire that is literally described as being worn (or, um, not worn) up or down. So her invitation for reader to weigh in didn't come out as well as it could have....nevertheless, folks obliged, with all kinds of answers. Some are better than others, but a two-day thong-de-force (or, um, whatevs...) of Dear Abby is certainly the kind of occasion that should be celebrated.

(On a side note, I'd like to acknowledge the glorious world we're living in, where a detailed discussion of underwear CAN be featured in the "Lifestyle" section of the average newspaper. And furthermore, I'd like to present this as a classic example of the reader response cross-section column, an issue on which Sam and I disagree-he thinks it's a break for the columnist, I think it's more work).

OK....thongs away! (um, sorry). I'll just include highlights, and Abby's and my commentary where appropriate.

yesterday's column: TO THONG, OR NOT TO THONG: THOUSANDS ENTER DEBATE

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "San Diego Sinner" (Nov. 21), whose mother says wearing thong underwear is sinful. Abby, that mother may not have known a better way to express her views. I believe she was trying to protect her daughters from males who might view the absence of a pantyline as a "signal" that they are sexually available.
The issue here isn't underwear; it's the girls' lack of trust in their mother. They should accept their mom's ruling as an indication of her love and concern for them. Her attitude may be quaint, but she loves them or she wouldn't be concerned. -- MARY IN ALBUQUERQUE

Hmm....parents have done a lot of horrifying things in the name of protecting their children, particularly their purity and marriageability. Genital mutilation? Foot binding? Not a good argument.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the daughter of a clergyman, deeply involved in my church. I dress conservatively and am as far from being promiscuous as it's possible to be and not be in a convent.
Most women wear thongs to avoid a pantyline. I suspect that the mother in that letter fears her daughters are trying to be sexy or are sexually active because they wear thongs. It's a mistake. It is possible for a girl who wears "granny panties" to still sleep around.
-- RELIGIOUS IN ST. LOUIS

Ooh, nice! Thongs don't count, because you can be slutty no matter WHAT kind of underwear you wear! An optimistic twist.

DEAR ABBY: I vote thongs down. They strike me as being as "comfortable" and "sexy" as walking around with dental floss between one's teeth.
-- REALIST IN N.Y.

Ah, the old dental floss argument...I feel like this always comes from someone who has never worn a thong....

DEAR ABBY: Moral issues aside, thongs are not good for your health. Wearing thongs has caused an increase in the number of vaginal yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis infections in women. That teeny strip of fabric is a "bacteria highway" from back to front.
I work in a hospital, and you wouldn't believe how many parents bring elementary school-age daughters to our pediatric ER for urinary tract infections. The parents are repeatedly advised not to buy thong underwear for their girls. Add my vote to thongs down. -- T.W. IN LAS VEGAS

This is actually really interesting, and something I'd never heard before. Definitely something to keep in mind when dealing with younger children who may not have the best personal habits. (How small do they make thongs these days??)

DEAR ABBY: When I was a new bride 30 years ago, my husband gave me money to buy a pair of "thongs." The only thongs I had ever heard of were those flat rubber sandals. Imagine his surprise when I got home and he asked me to "model" them. When I came out wearing fire engine red flip-flops, his expression was priceless. Imagine MY surprise when I realized what he'd meant by "thongs." I had seen those items displayed in the lingerie department and always assumed they were jock straps for transvestites. -- THONGS ARE WRONG IN BUFFALO

Just awesome. Although I wish it had ended with education and enlightenment, not "thongs are wrong."

Today: THONGS PRAISED AND PANNED BY MEN RESPONDING TO POLL

Abby says: DEAR READERS: As promised, today you'll see what some male readers had to say about thongs, as well as the results of my reader poll. Fifty-five percent voted thongs up, 28 percent voted thongs down, and 17 percent gave mixed reviews. And 9 percent of the readers were male ...

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up, girl! I switched to thongs when I turned 14 and have never looked back. A man can't wear tight white jeans with anything else. Love ... DINO IN SAN FRANCISCO

Thanks Dino!

DEAR ABBY: I have never understood why girls would wear something that appears to violate all laws of comfort.
The only way for me to solve this mystery was to try a thong. I purchased two and wore them exclusively for a couple of days. After the initial "getting used to," they were comfortable. In fact, I like them so much I bought a few more this evening. I am also thinking about buying other ladies' underwear.
While this might be perceived as less than masculine, what I saw in the lingerie section looked a lot more comfortable and sexy to me than my old boxers or briefs. Abby, why won't they let us guys wear sexy underwear? -- CONFUSED IN VIRGINIA

Lots of men were totally comfortable embracing their own thong usage. (Moreso than the women, who were mostly either defensive or judgemental).

DEAR ABBY: I'm voting thongs down. I'm 62 and grew up in the '50s and '60s with three good-looking sisters who always wore pretty ladies' nylon briefs -- all different colors, lace trim, prints, solids, flowers, silk panties. Wow! That was the style back then. All the girls wore them -- Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, etc. In the '70s and '80s girls adopted those ugly bikini panties, and now they're wearing thongs? Abby, please urge them to adopt those pretty panties of the '50s and '60s again. -- JACK IN BROCKTON, MASS.

I'm creeped out by this guy's fetish with his good-looking sisters' "pretty nylon briefs." Also, speaking of hygiene, nylon is a TERRIBLE idea. Cotton! Please!

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up or down? Up, they're uncomfortable -- I twist my neck and strain my eyes -- but I have to say I really love them down. -- TODD IN MILWAUKEE

Thanks, Todd, for taking Abby's pun literally, as I was also tempted to do...

And, wrapping things up....:

DEAR ABBY: With regard to your poll, the whole world now knows Abby doesn't wear a thong. Pity. -- CLIFF IN HALLANDALE, FLA

Abby's reply: DEAR CLIFF: OK, so I'm "a little behind" the times.
P.S. I love your imagination.

Taking it personally?

I was recently informed by a former reader that he'd ditched this blog when he was offended by something I'd written earlier this fall.

Of course, pissing people off is a major sign that you've "made it" as a writer (and for such glory, I'm willing to accept a readership of 3 people rather than 4! Maybe).

Nevertheless, I wanted to address the issue, since this is the first time I've been boycotted, and that seems worth marking in some way.

On December 16, I posted a response to a letter from Annie's Mailbox, written by Ann Landers' former editors. The letter was from a young woman in college who was unhappy in her relationship with her back-home boyfriend, who sounded like less than a treat. He had a history of emotionally and verbally abusing her, she said, as well as a history of mental illness in his family that seemed to be manifesting itself in his behavior. He was, at the very least, unstable and easily angered. And yet her question was whether she should break up with him, or if instead she should "throw her life away with the wrong guy."

My main beef with her letter was the way she phrased her question. Not "I'm afraid of my boyfriend and don't know how to end the relationship" but "Should I throw my life away on the wrong guy?"

Seriously, those were her words. And I commended Marcie and Kathy for looking past what she said, and getting to the heart of what she seemed to mean: that the bf was scary and unstable, and she wasn't sure how to end it.

However, I also felt that their advice might not be so helpful. The writer (not me, but the writer) described the boyfriend as abusive, unstable, and potentially mentally ill. As a result, I didn't think that Kathy and Marcie's advice, to become so obsessed with her studies that he wants to break up with her out of boredom, would be very effective. If he is all the things that the writer (again, not me) says he is, than I think he'll be more focused on controlling her and the state of their relationship than rationally considering whether or not they still have anything in common.

My former reader was put off by the fact that I described the boyfriend as potentially schizofrenic--but that came from the writer herself, not from me. More personally offensive to him, though, was my parenthetical sidenote wondering whether there was a "creepy age discrepancy" between the two.

"As the product of a 'creepy age difference,'" he said, "I was offended."

However, this post was hardly about age difference in relationships on the whole. I caught a whiff of what sounded like it might be an age gap, and pointed it out. When a relationship is already abusive and unbalanced, a discrepancy in age that gives the abuser an even more unbalanced amount of power and authority over the other person becomes creepy, whether it's a difference of 3, 9, or 20 years.

In contrast, I truly believe that relationships between people of compatible and balanced emotional, social, and intellectual levels can and often do thrive, no matter the numbers involved.

To sum up--my problem wasn't with the age difference, which I inferred (it was never confirmed in the letter). I simply felt that if there was such a difference, it would only compound the unfortunate situation in which this young woman found herself, and make it more difficult for her to get out of the relationship.

I stand by my original answer, though this episode was a good reminder to me that the odd phrase can put people off so much that they totally stop reading.

"That's what you would do if a columnist did something like that, right?" the former reader asked me.

Nope. I'd write in to them and voice my opinion. That's what I've done for years, and I'd encourage readers here to do the same! Conversation is what keeps this interesting. I don't have all the answers, and whether or not we agree, I'd like to hear what others think.