On the Lighter Side....

The blog has been a bit marriage-and-family heavy these days, so maybe it's time for a breath of fresh air from Prudence. Remember, no issue is too small or strange to require the services of a professional advice columnist!

Dear Prudence,
A few months before my husband and I got married, I found out by accident that he wears a toupee. As we lay in bed one night, I noticed what looked like hairspray or gel buildup on his hairline. He was fast asleep, so I went to scratch it off, and what I thought was gel turned out to be the tape of his toupee! Here he had been wearing a toupee all this time, and I never had the faintest idea. I'm sure he's painfully embarrassed about it, as he's very particular about his appearance, but I'm his wife and hate knowing he's keeping this from me. Do I somehow gently confront him about this? I'm nervous to do so, because I think he would be extremely embarrassed. In the end, I want him to know that I love him no matter what he looks like, and he shouldn't feel like he has to wear a hairpiece.

—Bald Is Beautiful

Dear Bald,
There's better, there's worse, then there's Hair Club for Men—which may be worse than worse. If you scroll around the Web for Hair Club counter-testimonials, you'll find the most astounding thing about your story is that when your courtship began, you didn't immediately suspect that your future husband had a muskrat pelt attached to his scalp. A standard toupee is supposed to be removed nightly, but customers of the Hair Club, or an equivalent, have the wig taped and glued on for weeks at a time. (Though your husband's hair follicles appear to be dead, let's not think about the life forms that must be breeding under the rug.) When he disappears without explanation, he isn't cheating on you; he's at the club getting his muskrat adjusted. We live in a glorious time for male pattern baldness, a time when even men who still have hair flaunt fully shaved heads. What a service it would be if you could release your husband from the tyranny of the toupee so that his scalp can breathe free. But he sounds like a delicate vessel, so handle him gingerly. Tell him the truth—that one night as he slept you noticed a buildup of glue on his scalp and realized he was wearing a toupee. Say you know that he takes great pride in his appearance, but you're sure he would look just as handsome—probably more so—if he went natural. It will probably take time for this advice to gel, but maybe one day he will be willing to flip his wig.

—Prudie

In this day and age, I can hardly imagine a guy even wearing a hairpiece. Like Prudence, I find it even harder to believe that this woman never got close enough to notice until her husband was asleep. In the time they've been together, she's never touched his hair? Or at least wondered why he recoils and pushes her away when she tries to?

I hope this guy comes around and decides to ditch the hairpiece, but since his wife apparently couldn't tell that his hair was fake, well, why should he? She seems to hope he'll realize that she loves him enough that he doesn't have to wear fake hair. (But not enough to notice that he is, in fact, doing so??). Yeah, I think she should try to bring it up with him, and for the rest of the world it would be great if he went free. But I suspect that the fact that the woman who shares her life and bed with this guy couldn't tell his hair was false will only serve to support his belief that the thing is working.


P.S.: Check out the hairclub "non-surgical bio-matrix system" and an an educational countertestimonial.

One Singular Temptation....

This is another long one, a two-column adaptation of an issue that took over Carolyn's live chat several weeks ago. In it, a young wife is extremely concerned that the way her single friends overshare about their single lifestyles is a blatant, disrespectful attack on her marriage (um...self-centered much?). Carolyn and the peanuts cover most of the necessary bases on this one, but I'll throw in a few comments along the way.

Published Monday:

Dear Carolyn:

My husband and I, both 24, were the first in our social circle to get married. Most of our friends have more active dating lives than I ever had. I don't feel jealous -- I love my husband -- but something they all seem to do really bothers me.

Whenever we meet up in groups, to chat or have drinks or hang out at the park, the conversation always turns to everyone's latest dating woes. The guys and the girls are equally guilty of indiscretion, but it's the girls I always seem to notice. They go on and on about the club scene where they live and their polygamous sex lives. They wear revealing clothes that I gave up after high school and they often get hit on by strangers while we're hanging out. [So much judgment of the friends! They get hit on by strangers!? Who else would you expect to hit on your friends? They shouldn't lead monk-ish lives just because they're hanging out with your husband, who is clearly off-limits. As we'll see in a second.]

I don't feel they should be talking and acting that way around my husband, a married man. ["a married man." This sounds like a phrase from a Doris Day movie, or maybe something Jack Lemmon would say to his skeazy colleagues in The Apartment. "But you're a married man!" I think, though, the poor guy has to do something more than sit in the presence of single women (his wife's friends, no less) for him to be slammed with this "friendly" reminder] I would prefer he not be thinking about our female friends' wild sex lives or noticing how hot everyone thinks they are. [I would bet good money that if she were to ask her husband the details of any of these stories, he wouldn't have a clue. He's probably watching the game on the bar's flatscreen! When I'm out with SK and others, and the conversation turns to gossipy girl-talk my top two concerns are 1) I hope he's not bored to tears and 2) I hope he's not so spaced out that if someone asks him a direct question he misses it completely. "I hope he's not drawn into a complicated fanstasy based on Friend A's date last night" doesn't even register on my list. ] I know this is why married couples naturally gravitate toward other married couples [it is? more on this below], but these are the friends we have and I do not want to trade them in, so to speak.

Can I say something to my girlfriends about how uncomfortable I feel, or since I'm so outnumbered do I have to just suck it up and be miserable around them all the time? [Or can I get over myself and not make a stink or be miserable??]

Maryland

Oh, my goodness. Were you miserable around them before you married? [I think this is an important question....the fact that this woman married young suggests that she and her husband were dating for several years--at least, that's been the case with most of my friends who are getting engaged and married right now. And if these are their only friends...well, what's changed? Besides their legal status?]

I can't speak for anyone but myself, obviously, but this married person does not gravitate to other married people because the single ones are flaunting their hotness.

I don't even know what to do with this idea -- do I rail first against the idea that people cover themselves up when they get married? Because plenty of people dress the way they do because they like it, and don't change a stitch of what they choose to wear after marriage.

But then that demotes to second rail the whole idea that single people = temptation = a group to avoid once married; railing against that deserves at least to share top billing.

How 'bout -- I'll rail against the idea of controlling what your husband sees.

People have eyes and ears and temptations no matter what they've vowed to whom or why. If your husband misses the single life, he's going to do that whether your friends raise provocative discussions or not.

People who marry young probably do struggle more with the whole issue of regrets and what they may have given up, and their immersion in a world with a lot of raging singles does contribute to that struggle. However, this is the choice you made, and it's going to stand on its merits alone.

In other words, if the only way you can keep your boat from sinking is to put it in dry dock, then that's a choice you and your husband need to make together -- after, I would suggest, as open a discussion as possible. If your boat really is leaking, I also wouldn't suggest blaming it all on the ocean. [Another winner of an analogy. Thanks Carolyn!]

Tomorrow: Maryland and readers reply.

Published Tuesday:

Dear Carolyn:

Maybe I didn't explain myself well [in yesterday's column]. My marriage is not in trouble and I'm not afraid my husband is being reminded of what it was like to be a "raging single." It's my friends themselves who bug me. [A ha! More evidence that she has no right to be upset! If her husband were actually reacting to these stories in a way that bothered her, the issue would be with him (not her friends) but it would be more understandable that she would want to blame them. But in fact, he's not doing anything to suggest that he's unhappy with his choice, or wishes he were out with a harem of singles because their stories are so hot(tt). She's upset on principle alone--and over a principle that apparently has no basis in reality. So what's the deal?]

When Friend A is recounting the story of how her last date ended with making out in a cab, or men walking by are commenting on Friend B's amazing chest, it seems only natural that my husband would take a closer look at Friends A and B. [Doubtful. Again, this is where to me it seems only natural that husband would tune out entirely, because this conversation has nothing to do with him or his interests. I mean, not that he couldn't be a part of it. But I bet he's not. Maybe it's this tuning out that Married in Maryland is mistaking for his drifting into gawking and fantasizing. Also, how is it conceivably Friend B's fault if sleazy dudes walking by are stoked because she's stacked? She would probably prefer that they don't make such juvenile comments about her bod.]

In my view, more mature people respect each other's marriages by not presenting those kinds of temptations. I wouldn't talk about my sex life with my friends' dates because only my husband should look at me in a sexual way. [My guess is that these conversations happen specifically because the friends don't see the husband in a sexual way, or consider that he'd see them that way--like a brother or a gay friend, the husband probably seems completely sexually apathetic--which is why they have no qualms about oversharing] So I don't get why you reacted as though I'm being outrageous.

[Maybe another issue to consider here is that she brings her husband along in situations when she really shouldn't. Sounds like there's a lot of girl-talk going on, and maybe her friends are carrying on as usual, and this one keeps bringing her husband to martinis-and-manis night. We might be (ok, probably are) getting a skewed perspective because Married says there are men present who do the same thing as her single girlfriends, but the picture she paints for us just makes me feel bad for the husband, like his wife brought him a long to a slumber party and then got mad at her friends for playing Truth or Dare, sharing private tales and putting their bras in the freezer.]

Married Maryland Girl Again

Because you're being outrageous. Your husband could just as well be looking at your friends during tales of their exploits and saying, wow, A and B are gross. I can assure you he already noticed B's chest and decided whether it was amazing long before your friends prattled on about it.

You have constructed a wall in your mind between marriage and singlehood that doesn't exist. Okay, you don't hit on those you know to be in life commitments -- otherwise, you treat people as people.

Now, if you've outgrown your friends, that's something else. But if you'd enjoy the raunch in unmixed company and it's just having your husband there that freaks you out, then I think you're getting worked up over something that "more mature people" shrug off. Real partners are secure enough to handle real experiences and real people together. [And also secure enough to socialize apart, on occasion]

Re: Maryland:

It strikes me that Maryland is enforcing a lot of our bad social prejudices, too. She acknowledges that the men in her group are just as "guilty of indiscretion" (guilty?!) as the women, but it's the women who bother her more. We're not a culture that holds men and women to equal standards when it comes to expressing sexuality, and she's probably been a victim of that herself.

Also, why should their talking about their lives now be any different from before the wedding? I get the sense there's a lot going on under the surface of this woman's question, and she might want to evaluate her own assumptions about men and women.

Anonymous

Agreed. I saw it as a he's-my-man-and-vixens-be-gone reflex, but you're right that even if it were a legitimate reflex to act upon (which it isn't, said the broken record), it doesn't justify the double standard. Maybe she's just lost, and grabbing on to her old ideas of what marriage is "supposed to be."

Re: Maryland:

I always assumed the married people gravitated to each other for the sole purpose of boring any unfortunate nearby singles into a coma with their talk of mortgage refis, kids and vinyl siding. I'd have killed to hang out with some fun, trampy singles.

I think the older you get, the less you think of marriage as this wormhole gate that forces you to dress, think, talk and behave like a pod person.

Anonymous 2

A little hope-driftwood to cling to, thanks.

In short, I think Married in Maryland is just really, really insecure--could even be the case (though I'm making a real assumption here) that she married so young precisely because she didn't think she'd ever find someone else, or be able to compete with her friends--or because she wanted to "beat" them in something--anything--that would prove she was just as desirable as they were. And now she's judging them for living the lives they want to live, rather than conforming to the choices she made for herself. Mostly, I feel pity for Married--but not enough that I'm willing to condone her making herself comfortable by reigning in everyone around her. She needs to get comfortable with herself first, then her husband and her marriage, and then think about whether she's still a good fit for these friends.

Semantic Double Standard

This is not an unusual issue...in fact, it comes up all the time, which is even more frustrating.....:

Dear Annie: My husband's job requires him to travel several days during the week. We have two teenage daughters still at home. When he first took the job, there was some adjusting, but the girls and I quickly settled into a routine.

I work a 40-hour week. I look forward to not being the cook and chauffeur on the weekends, but my husband, who enjoys cooking, refuses to help. He says he doesn't want to be "the butler" when he is home from his travels.

I understand being on the road is not a vacation. I know he looks forward to a home-cooked meal, and I make every effort to arrange it, but it feels like I never get a break. Can you give us some advice? — Not the Butler's Wife

Arrrgh....yes, it's exhausting being on the road, and I see why this guy would just want to rest up at home and enjoy the family, rather than run around completing a list of chores in the two days he's home. But why is it that when the mom does all the housework during the week, in addition to her 40-hour job, she's just being the mom, but when the dad is expected to do it, he's being treated like "the butler?" It makes no sense to me, and also implies that he considers the basic tasks of maintaining a home the work of a servant, not that of a responsible home owner and parent. To me this suggests that not only does he not want to do these tasks himself, he doesn't respect or value the time, effort, and skill his wife brings to them.

What's really odd is that he apparently enjoys cooking....most people who enjoy cooking love nothing more than sharing a special meal with the people they love. Since he doesn't have the opportunity to do this while he's away--and probably eating out a lot--it really seems strange that he has no desire to do so when he's at home and has a full kitchen at his disposal. Seems like he's resisting activities that he enjoys, is good at, and would support his family, just on the principle that he thinks he should get to lie around. And that's really annoying.

Dear Wife: Both of you need a break. Every couple handles this in their own way. Some do all the chores together, so each person only has half as much to do. Some divide the weekend, giving the husband one day's tasks and the wife the other. Many couples let the housework go and order takeout.

You have two teenage girls who should be quite capable of helping. Since your husband wants a home-cooked meal, either let your girls get creative with the food, or make a little extra when you cook during the week and freeze it. That way your husband can have his preferred meal and you don't have to spend the weekend preparing it.

I agree with Marcy and Kathy's solutions...I like the idea of 1) putting the daughters in charge of dinner, at least one night a weekend and/or 2) cooking extra and freezing it during the week.

I also think, though, that perhaps being away so much has caused him to become a bit distant from his family and their day-to-day life. The mom says that "the girls and I quickly settled into a routine." He, on the other hand, has not rearranged how he relates to his family now that he's away so often...instead, it seems like perhaps when he's home he tries harder to fit things into the "old order." He probably feels like a bit of a martyr, being away all the time (alone with his thoughts, to mope) to support his family and thinks they should flock to him and pamper him when he's back. But perhaps he needs to make more of an effort to understand how things have changed while he's away.

Of course, reason #1 I couldn't be an advice columnist for real? I always wind up advising the wrong person. All this mom can do is change her own behavior, not her husband's. Still thinking about that one.

On being second to last....

Carolyn is on vacation, so she posted a couple longer letters from readers (ones that didn't require answers) to fill the space. I thought this one was really sort of lovely, on why your ex married the next person he met after you......(the cartoon was published in the Washington Post next to the column--there is typically one for every column. It of course is the property of the artist and/or the Post, and not me, but I hope they won't mind me sharing it since I link back to where it's published).

Not that you ARE my husband's ex, but if you were:

1. He liked you a lot, but he had quirks you kept trying to change, quirks he didn't want to change. And I thought the same quirks were delightful. I really don't mind hearing his favorite anecdote over and over -- he and I have been together for seven years, I think I've heard it a million times now. I can recite it. I still think it's a great story.

2. You had quirks he didn't mind in a girlfriend, but made him want to kill himself when he considered marrying you. And they weren't bad things -- your obsession with making task lists, for example -- so he didn't feel like he had the right to ask you to change. His one attempt at asking you not to make lists for him didn't go well, and that wasn't your fault, but that didn't make him want to spend a lifetime looking at a fridge full of lists.

3. Your sex drives were different (yours was . . . higher). His and mine are compatible. 'Nuff said.

4. You thought his family was kind of tacky. They are. But I'm from an equally tacky family, and so I fit better from almost day one.

You are prettier than I am, sexier than I am, and a better person than I am, if I'm going to be honest. When I met you I went home and cried, because I could not fathom why he wanted to be with me, with someone like you in his past!

But he and I are two peas in a pod, with the same sense of humor, approach to life, attitude toward marriage and chores and money, the works. You had none of those things, just love and affection. That's not enough. The only way you could have married him was to resign you both to endless counseling and a nagging suspicion that a marriage shouldn't be so hard.

~It's Really Not You

No Such Thing as Happily Ever After....

In reality, married life is fraught with pain and strife:

DEAR ABBY: Please help my husband and me settle an argument. He hates when I step out of the shower onto the bath mat to dry off, leaving it wet. I think that's what the bath mat is for. Who's right? -- LISA IN LEXINGTON, S.C.

DEAR LISA: You are. The alternative would be to step out of the shower onto a tile floor -- which could cause a slip and fall, or onto carpet, which would become moldy. After you have finished drying off, however, the bath mat should be hung up to dry.

Oh PUH-LEEEEZE. I am the queen of getting unreasonably upset about minor, ridiculous things, and even I think this is absurd. I wish Abby had said as much, rather than granting this woman the triumph of being "right," and thus validating that there is even something to argue about here.

Bedside Manners?

I feel like I've been pushing Abby a lot the last few weeks--her columns have just been more interesting, featuring issues slightly more outside the norm (from "my neighbors think my son is my secret lover!" to "my friend may be harming her child by keeping her booze in his line of sight!"), funny writers, sassy answers, or all of the above.

There's nothing too wild about this one, but it's the second most entertaining issue of the day (after the son/lover issue linked above).

A woman has a question about etiquette. Or does she?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having a "debate," and I hope you can help. When dining out in a restaurant, is it proper etiquette to ask for a taste from another person's plate? -- WHAT'S MINE IS MINE IN MAINE

Of course, she doesn't clarify if the food-sharing is going on between herself and her husband, or if others are involved, but I can't help but think that "etiquette" doesn't really apply within a marriage. And I don't think that to say that is the same as suggesting that married folk shouldn't treat each other with as much respect and politeness as they would others. They should--but there's also a level of comfort and intimacy there, or should be, since it's, um, a marriage (sorry for the excessive commas...)

If this woman doesn't want her husband to eat off her plate, she shouldn't choose (or need) to recourse to dining etiquette. She should be able to say, "please don't do that," and he should respect her request. No mediation necessary! (Actually, I feel like you should be able to do that in any social situation....no need to say "You have broken rule 142.A.62 of dining out at a mid-scale chain restaurant on Tuesdays." Personal preference can have just as much weight, and in many cases deserves as much respect, as etiquette.)

Abby, like me, made a speculative stab at what the real heart of the issue was:

DEAR W.M.I.M.: I have never heard of any rule of etiquette that forbids asking for a bite. If you're afraid your husband will take too much, place a small portion on your bread plate and pass it to him.

Morning Makeover could get Ugly....

I've found that lately Amy's second letter is more interesting than her first. Today she answered a woman, recently married, who is concerned about--or rather, feels left out of--her new husband's morning habit of going down to the corner for a coffee and the paper. She has tried making coffee at home and subscribing to his favorite paper, but to no avail! He insists on making this trek each day. She is upset that he "doesn't seem to know that he is married!"

I think this is my favorite line: I went with him once but all he does is read the paper! I'm puzzled and I don't know if I should "change" him or just let him do what he's always done.

What did she think he was doing? Meeting women? De-briefing with the CIA?

Amy suggests that since they've only been married a few months, they'll each have some lifestyle changes to make, and that she should join him occasionally (bringing a book or a Sudoku) and otherwise meet up with him afterward. (They're 67 and 72, each on a second marriage, btw--that seems important to note). Amy also recommended bringing it up and chatting about it during a "relaxed time."

But the crux of her advice, which I agree with wholeheartedly, is here: Don't mess with the man's morning habit, however. For some people, reading the newspaper at a coffee shop is simply the only way to start the day, just as others jog or take leisurely showers.

I guess my question is....what did the writer do in the mornings before she was married to this man, and why can't she continue to do that? He's probably been doing this longer than he's even known his new wife. And taking an hour or so to ingest some caffeine and world news might make him a more pleasant, social, and interesting person to be with each day.

If she does bring it up with him, I hope it's along the lines of "I'm still adjusting to spending mornings on my own [is she, though? Again, what has she been doing all this time?], would you mind if I joined you at the coffeeshop occasionally?" as opposed to "I don't understand why you feel the need to leave me each morning and spend precious moments that we could be spending together with the coffee and the paper. Now that you're married you need to make some lifestyle changes--the advice columnist told me so."

And I think if she wants to join him, asking is important. Even though he really shouldn't tell her no, and even though if he did, she could still technically go, because it's a free country and all that. As someone who really really values space and private time, I get resentful if/when others assume it's OK to join me because more automatically=merrier. She should ask. He should say OK. But then she should respect that the trip is about coffee and the paper, and not try to make conversation.

If he weren't coming home at night, or if he told her she could never ever come with him, I'd say there would be cause for concern. But an innocuous and relaxing morning routine that lets him wake up and face the world at his own pace isn't something that should be axed in the first months of marriage. She may find that without his coffee and paper, her husband is incoherent and unpleasant. I know I am.

P.S. I hope she didn't write to the paper on purpose hoping that her husband will recognize himself in this column and come rushing home....