tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946633910983913667.post8860324311822355624..comments2023-05-04T05:39:18.978-04:00Comments on A Little Help, Please?: The Pragmatic vs. the PoliticalBeckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10181224564145367109noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946633910983913667.post-63720605166765824482009-12-09T07:07:26.788-05:002009-12-09T07:07:26.788-05:00Amanda-
I agree with you that thinking like "...Amanda-<br />I agree with you that thinking like "she was so ____ I couldn't help myself" is indicative of an attitude, and a culture, that blames victims rather than perpetrators. <br /><br />However, that kind of shifty shifting of blame is not the kind of responsibility that I--and I would venture to guess, Amy--am talking about. <br /><br />I didn't intend to suggest that she--or her clothes, or her blood alcohol level--is in any way responsible for his response, or that it's her job to make herself "unrapeable" by preemptively accounting for every factor that might "drive" someone to assault her. Choosing to exploit, or not, was of course this man's responsibility. <br /><br />But I do think that all adults--men and women alike--are responsible for their own environments, for the situations they *can* choose. In this case, this woman put her safety in someone else's hands, while incapacitated, and when it's clear she felt uncomfortable about his intentions. Had she said "no" when it was easier and safer to do so--i.e., by not going up to "his" room--she would have protected herself. That she couldn't, or chose not to, is the personal or cultural problem that was of most interest to me in this column. <br /><br />Going alone, drunk, to a stranger's bedroom--regardless of what they've "promised" you--just doesn't show good judgment. Just as picking up a hitchhiker on a dark road or giving a contractor the key to your condo, then moving in without changing the locks doesn't show good judgment. <br /><br />And I do think there's a distinction between saying that it was her fault, her responsibility to not get raped, and saying that all independent adults have to be aware of their environments, and do their best to avoid situations that are likely to end in harm. <br /><br />We can, and should, expect much of the world and the people we meet. But that doesn't mean we can assume it. There are so many situations where we can't control what happens to us--why voluntarily abdicate our agency when we don't have to?Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10181224564145367109noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946633910983913667.post-22688208163645500992009-12-09T06:42:11.773-05:002009-12-09T06:42:11.773-05:00Anonymous--thank you for reading and commenting. ...Anonymous--thank you for reading and commenting. Your reasons for not contacting the guy directly make good sense. Most people read the directive to involve him as a suggestion to ask whether or not he thought what he did was rape. I agree with you and the bloggers that that will almost certainly only lead to more uncertainty and, likely, self-blame on her part. <br /><br />I guess I read it as, "make sure he knows and faces the fact that what happened was not OK with you, and that you're not going to just pretend it didn't happen." But I do see that, in reality, such an encounter is much more likely to go wrong than right.Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10181224564145367109noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946633910983913667.post-76386755419181769972009-12-08T23:50:03.401-05:002009-12-08T23:50:03.401-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10181224564145367109noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946633910983913667.post-6210849019792225382009-12-08T22:33:06.454-05:002009-12-08T22:33:06.454-05:00The one thing I will disagree with you on this is ...The one thing I will disagree with you on this is the insistence that this incident could have been avoided. That DOES place the responsibility on the woman, rather than on the man not to rape. That attitude falls within the larger context of our society's rape culture - that a woman was so drunk/dressed a certain way that he couldn't HELP himself but to rape. That is the attitude that we need to change. Though I do agree with you that within the context of the column, Amy can only respond to the inquirer. Did she do a perfect job? Not at all. But it's also important for her to have raised the issue of rape-without-struggle, which many people still ignore or aren't even aware of.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09540010688563839116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946633910983913667.post-41682043353541942142009-12-08T11:26:29.037-05:002009-12-08T11:26:29.037-05:00I agree with your post on this topic and your comm...I agree with your post on this topic and your comments about how the role of an advice columnist dictates their answers and Amy's response was pragmatic and not political. I think my opinion on what she should have said lies somewhere between the "bloggers" and yourself, leaning towards you. I think Amy was incorrect in the ordering of her response. I think the comment on the possible victims judgment should have been saved until later in the letter. Unfortunately less than half of rapes are reported each year - the biggest category of unreported rapes unfortunately happen on college campuses. Mainly do to illegal alcohol consumption and question if one was in fact raped, and self blame, lead many to not report these crimes. Self blame is unfortunately a coping mechanism. By blaming yourself you feel that you can prevent it form ever happening, that you have control, to counteract the fat that you were just in a situation where someone else controlled you. Amy's number one prerogative should have been to get this girl to a professional who she could at length discuss what happened and figure out legal possibilities. That should have been 1 for the sake of any other potential victims. Amy's comments about her decisions making her more vulnerable have a place and are valuable to readers who could maybe take head and be more responsible but it should have been after the importance of seeing someone. Also she should not have suggested that the possible victim talk to her possible rapist. This is legally and emotionally unadvised. You are allowing someone who has already taken advantage of this girl to try and talk her out of reporting and to manipulate her into thinking nothing wrong happened and that she just doesn't remember saying yes but she did or threatening that he will tell everyone she is a slut and begged for it. It is a law enforcement professionals job to interview him. Plus the emotional stress of just seeing him again could cause her to shut down. This guy is no longer just a schoolmate to her. <br /><br />That's my opinion.<br />Thanks for the great post.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com